NOAH, Prophet With a Buzz Cut!!

To Be Referenced Later

Haven't seen the new Russell Crowe cinematic event called NOAH?  Spoiler coming.  We saw it when we were in South Carolina, and I've been thinking about writing about it ever since.   My problem has been how to explain the way the film affected me.

It didn't offend me.  Not in any way.  I had read that the film would take liberties with the story as told in Genesis.  It was to be a movie not a sermon, and Genesis 6-8, from which the story comes, is short and sparse of detail.  Certainly, NOAH's producers had to be creative and make some stuff up to craft a 2 hour film.    For example, I had seen the trailers featuring the doomed hordes swooping down on the Ark. The swooping down isn't in the Bible.  It seemed very logical that swooping down like that could have occurred, though, and that the gathering of the hordes and the defending of the Ark would be cinematically exciting.  Ergo, the filmmakers added them.

The arrival of the CG birds and snakes and elephants and all was fabulous, and the idea of using a sort of magic incense to put all the animals into hibernation for the length of the Ark voyage was clever, too. (Remember, it wasn't for just 40 days.  It took another 150 for the land to dry up for habitation.)   This hibernation answered 2 questions that always bothered me:  1. Where did they store all the food, so animal wouldn't eat animal?  and 2.  What did they do with all the poop?  One hundred and ninety days of food and poop would be a challenge on any ship!  Just check with the Carnival Cruise Line.

Because I had read Genesis 6-8 before seeing the film, I was surprised by the fact that in the movie none of Noah's sons had wives.  Besides Mrs. Noah, played fetchingly by Jennifer Connelly, the only female member of the Ark crew was their foundling daughter, played equally fetchingly by Emma Watson.  As a result of that change, the film ends up suggesting that all future generations trace back to Noah's son Shem and Hermoine Granger.  Still, I was not bothered by that nor by the fact that there's a stowaway on the Ark.  And, Noah's homicidal angst at the end of the movie surprised me, but I believe there was a logic to it, too.

So here's the crazy juxtaposition of images that got me!  The additions that spun my head because they seemed just so out of whack!  The critters that seemed so out of place in a film called NOAH were. . . THE STONE MONSTERS.  That's right.  In the movie were monsters made out of stone and mud that were about the size of and moved a lot like a Transformer made from a F250 long bed pickup truck.  The monsters appeared early, and from that moment on,  my head had a tough time getting around this movie.  It was like a Salvador Dali clock had been made to hang out of the Mona Lisa's lips.  (I am not suggesting that Noah is any kind of artwork, but a Salvadore DaVinci combo was the best simile I could come up with.)  The monsters were just so amazingly, jarringly out of place for me.

Russell (Noah) talks with Rocky

Certainly, these monsters were handy.  At first they were Noah's enemies, but pretty soon they joined up with him.  All these huge rock beasts picking up logs and popping them in place really streamlined the building of the ark.  These stone guys were also great at fighting off the swooping hordes.  And they could talk and babysit, too.  Really!

To be fair to the filmmakers, these monsters were supposed to be creatures called Nephilim.  Depending where you read about them, they were either fallen angels or the spawn of fallen angels and human women.  They are mentioned in Genesis 6.  Not as rock monsters, mind you, or as ark builders, but, if I understood it correctly, as some pretty nasty villians who were typical of pre-inundation humanity. Anyhow, in the move, when each Nephilim was swept over and crunched by a horde, his soul was released and sent straight to heaven.

These troublesome, out of place monsters were just too much for me to accept. . .too whacky to allow me to really enjoy the movie.  (Linda liked it a lot.)  The other thing that really spun my head was Russell Crowe's mid-film buzz cut!!  He's playing Noah with long hair and beard, rolling along fine, and suddenly he appears with every hair on his head 1/6 of an inch long.  That really bugged me!  You want me to accept monster, maybe, but who had the clippers?  That's what I want to know! Who?

Morgan Smith Goodwin, Milana Vanytrub, and Stephanie Courtney: Though You Don’t Realize It, You Do Know Who These Ladies Are!

Morgan, Milana, and Stephanie!  If you watch television everyday, there’s a good chance that you see all three of these talented ladies. . . everyday.  Morgan Smith Goodwin is the bright, smiling, red-haired face of WENDY’S, Milana Vanytrub is sweet “Lily” the AT&T “supervisor,” who seems to be constantly on the air, and Stephanie Courtney is the grand dame of continuing commercial characters, the wonderful Flo in the ENTERPRISE ads.  A few weeks ago, I got thinking about these reappearing personalities of ad-land.  We see them on our TV’s more often than the stars of THE GOOD WIFE or CASTLE or GREY’S ANATOMY or any other current show or popular film.  They’re in our living room so often they could be neighbors,  But ACCESS HOLLYWOOD and shows of a similar ilk only care about the series and film stars.  I’d like to briefly tell you about these three comm-celebs, who I think areTV stars in their own right.

"Now That's Better!"

Morgan Smith Goodwin Wendy’s character apparently works in some office where she is constantly introducing her coworkers to new Wendy’s lunch delights. When they have tasted the new fast food sandwich or salad, they all agree that “now that’s better” than what they had been eating before.  My research informed me that Morgan has been the face of WENDY’s “Now That’s Better” campaign since April of 2012, which certainly secures her spot in the gallery of successful continuing commercial characters.  Morgan is 28 and studied musical theater in college.  She spent some time in New York City honing her theatrical skills and appeared in the off-broadway production FRECKLEFACE STRAWBERRY, which sounds like the perfect vehicle for her.

"I am the supervisor."

What little biographical information I could find about Milana Vanytrub included the facts that she is 5’3” tall and is from Uzbekistan.  There is nothing Uzbekistan-ish about her accent so she must have arrived in the U.S. when she was a little kid.  She plays the sweet, always-smiling “supervisor” in the AT&T commercials.  She is, I believe, the up- and-comer in the continuing commercial universe. Her character has even grown over the months since the commercials began.  She started as the attentive, attractive supervisor.  Now her character has a name, Lily Evans, and her most recent advertisement, where we find out that Lily was a high school J.V. point guard, pairs her with basketball great Grant Hill.  That’s considerable commercial character growth.  Milana has appeared in such movies as “Life Happens” and “Junk,” and television shows as dissimilar as “Californication” and “Lizzie McGuire.” Talk about range!  Milana is a funny lady.  Some of her web work is on the website “Funny or Die.”  She is one of the leading faces in the delightful “bitchy-resting-face,” which if you haven’t seen, you should watch here and soon.

 http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/d7ab80d4a5/bitchy-resting-face

Every genre needs a king or in this case, a queen, and Stephanie Courtney, as the irrepressible Flo of ENTERPRISE insurance fame is, for me, the greatest continuing commercial character.  The ad campaign began in 2008 and continues strong, which is a pretty good run for any TV vehicle.  I really get a kick out of the ads, my favorite being the one where while luring two young guys to PROGRESSIVE, she, in a noir-ish way, steps back into the shadows.  When the guys tell her that they still can see her, she assures them that they can’t.  Flo is a funny character.  Stephanie Courtney is a funny lady.  A native of Stony Point, NY, she graduated from the Neighborhood Playhouse in NYC and started working at stand up comedy.  She came to LA  and now is a main company member of the famous sketch and improv group The Groundlings in Los Angeles.  She has appeared at comedy festivals and has written co-written a show, “Those Courtney Sisters,” with her sister Jennifer.  Humorously self-effacing, Stephanie has said that there is nothing sexy about Flo.  In fact, she has said that the Geiko Gecko is sexier than Flo will ever be.

I tried to research how much these top-tiered commercial actors make and whether they are paid each time a commercial is aired.  Do they drive Beemers or Kias? I couldn’t find much about it, but I hope they make a lot of money, because their characters are certainly making a lot of money for the companies they represent, and continuing characters on network show make tons.

I also tried to come up with a male continuing commercial character.  The only one who I could remember who I thought was really good, was the rough and tough guy who used to do the FORD commercials, but I don’t think he’s on the air now.  I refuse to accept Bill Cowher as an “actor.”  

I imagine many people will think I chose wrong in telling the stories of this trio.  That’s fine.  Choose your own and do some research.  Maybe we can come up with an all-star continuing commercial character lineup starting with Morgan, Milana, and Stephanie.